It is believed that shame is an inherent trait designed to keep individuals in line with the pack. You don't share things that bring you a feeling of shame so as to not bring yourself into disrepute with those that could keep you alive.
Thankfully now I don't need to avoid sharing shameful things because we don't have to worry about clan wars or sharing food as a tribe, so here goes.
I get so jealous of people thinner than me - even if they're kids - and I'm repulsed by overweight people. I still hold onto body checking behaviours for myself, and I also body check random people in public.
Do they have abs, do they have a muffin top, do they jiggle when they walk, how prominent are their collar bones and ribs? Am I bigger than then? Do I melt over the seat more than them?
I'm not justifying my actions when I say that this is simply me trying to place myself on a spectrum with them, that's just what I'm trying to do. Me checking their bodies is me checking where my body is in comparison to theirs and how much work I need to do. Sometimes it's light congratulations; because sure I'm fat but I'm not that fat. Other times it's disappointment, heart break and dejection because someone else has the body I will never have.
Additionally, despite me wishing it weren't the case, there is an archetypal judgment call based on how I assume they are as people. If they're thinner than me, I assume them to be arrogant, self-righteous, conceited. If they're bigger than me, I attribute traits of laziness, apathy, complacency. If they're more muscular than I am, surely they're aggressive, confident, hard working.
Now before you say this is draconian and barbaric, because how dare I make sweeping generalisations without meeting people, could you really say you don't have a judgment call when you see a group of teenagers dripping in Nautica and Adidas roam the streets? Does the shouting drawl of "oi lad" and "nah cunt" not raise anxiety levels, or do you manage to remain equanimous?
Partially, I must admit, I'm merely trying to demystify my physical appearance by way of measuring up to objective stimuli when I conduct these checks. Are your legs touching? Are mine? What's your body doing? What does it look like when I stand next to you? What factors might be contributing to this?
Worst of all, at least for me, is that my behaviour doesn't align. So, instead of me being neck deep in a restrictive eating disorder, I'm probably just an average build girl who binges more than she'd care to admit and is body checking and fat shaming complete strangers. As if, somehow, I think me being underweight or actively restricting would justify my judgment. These are the bizarre and nefarious things that eating disorders tell people, which makes them so difficult.
I think also, we unfortunately live in a world where people are afraid to talk about these things, and when hard topics come up they're often shut down and silenced. I'm not allowed body image issues because I'm already in a body that some people would admire and desire for themselves. I'm not allowed to be "fatphobic" because that's cruel and hurtful, despite the fact that it is an actual symptom of a mental illness that I suffer with and I don't act on my thoughts.
Alternatively, maybe I am in the wrong, who knows.
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