Recovery is really hard

 This statement brought me to tears this morning.
Then again, so did milk.

So. You know. Maybe not that deep.

I keep going back and forth on whether I'm actually in recovery or if it's just pseudo recovery. Like, sure, I only eat a handful of safe foods on a daily basis, but I have no problems eating cheat foods or meals. I can eat out, I can indulge, I can binge on desserts.

Okay, so that's not the most recovered thing to do, you got me there.

But it felt like a liveable state. It felt like I was doing okay enough to say I didn't have an eating disorder.

Then I noticed that by going to work I was finding it really hard to get my meals in. And if I eat meals in portions that I think are acceptable, I'm wildly behind on my daily calorie allowance when I finish CrossFit after work, meaning I have to eat two thirds of my daily food in one sitting and then try to go to sleep.

So after much panicked contemplation I decided that replacing water with milk in my morning porridge would be a good way to boost my calories to allow for a more sustained intake and a less ravenous and deprived self when I finish the day. 

I thought it would be as easy as changing the 200ml of water I normally use and just using the same amount of milk instead. However, milk is more viscous and dense than water. Meaning it provides a different yield depending on how it's measured. 

I didn't want to use my watering jug because it's another dish I'd need to clean up and I use that to water my plant, Bud. So instead I had the bright idea of weighing the amount of milk by switching my scales to mls.

While I was pouring the milk, however, there seemed to be a wild discrepancy between the amount of milk:oats I had, and the weight as measured by my scales. Then as I took the bowl off and switched it back to grams, I noticed there's another setting; mls MILK.

This lead me to inevitably catastrophise, because how much moo-juice do I actually have in my bowl right now and how do I actually track that? Furthermore, how long do I have to microwave it oh my god it won't cook properly and now it looks like I've frothed it and it smells like cheese.

So the first day was, needless to say, a certified failure. But alas, I made some TikToks about it (nobody understood what I meant), and decided I'll try check with a measuring jug.

So I measured the 200mls of water in my watering jug, poured it into a food safe jug and saw that it came to ~210mls there. Then I disposed of the water and poured milk into the second jug, just at the 200ml line.

Then, because I wanted to check convergent validity, I placed the bowl of 50g oats onto my scales, zeroed them out and switched them over to mls MILK.

"173 mls".

Okay now I'm really panicking, it looks like the right amount, but that maths isn't making sense.

And again, I'm unsure how long to microwave it for because it keeps getting so damn thick. 

All that to say I've tried to use milk in my porridge two days in a row and I've become enraged, disheartened, disgusted and appalled. I've also tracked it as 250mls of milk on MyFitnessPal on both days, too, even though I honestly couldn't tell you if it was 200 or 500 mls of milk.

It's terrifying trying to increase calories. 

I'm scared of milk.

I couldn't possibly add milk and peanut butter, something I used to do with ease.

I don't know what I'm going to do with this stupid milk.

I really thought I'd be able to do this, I really thought milk was just a simple fix to a problem I thought I wanted to resolve, instead I'm closer to relapsing than ever before and I can't figure out how milk works.

So what am I supposed to do now? Go back to using water? Throw the milk away? Keep persevering with this recovery challenge until I've consumed it all and see how I feel then?

I'm also really tempted to just go back to my low calorie version of breakfast, stick to my low calorie lunch, and then instead of trying to catch up on calories for dinner, just cutting the calories there.
Oh right, that's called relapsing. I'm tempted to relapse. Duh.

This was probably the most poorly written post I've made in a while, but I needed to get it out of my head. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know why something as trivial as milk was enough to set me over the edge so bad. And genuinely, I just feel sick and nauseas from trying.

Anyway, stay tuned for more I guess?