Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Train of Consciousness, Kinda

So before I get into this I'd like to state that I've been lowering my antidepressant dose with the hopes of getting down to just 20mg of Prozac a day.
One thing I've noticed is just how much I think at any given moment.
And the fact that when I see a thought, it sparks more thought. Why do I think this? Why do I feel this way? Etc.
I'm hoping I can portray that adequately in this post, and I also hope nobody hates the fact that this is literally just stream of consciousness, not properly written by any stretch of the imagination, just me letting my thoughts out, processing it and maybe coming to conclusions.

Lately, I've been going through some stuff. A break up being the biggest thing. Well, the only thing. But it's hard! This was a relationship that, while short lived, ticked all my boxes. As did the person I was with. One thing I've noticed I do is bottle it up. The only person I feel comfortable talking to about my feelings beyond my psychologist and pet dog back in Sydney is the person that is now trying to move on.
In the past I've realised that my need to keep my feelings to myself has stemmed from always playing counsellor for other people. (You can't burden people with your problems if you're the person they come to with theirs.) I guess that was a sense of responsibility I had to them to some extent.
But now I'm noticing that this fear of worrying other people with my problems has grown to something bigger. It's like, I don't have anyone I can tell and even if I did I can't fix/change it, same goes for feeling it soooooo no point feeling it.
I think it was last Saturday. I was doing the first Headspace guided meditation thing and the instruction was "let your brain do whatever it wants" and I burst into tears. After that I went to bed and cried some more. I was in bed crying on and off all day. That's great! That's progress! But it took me 3 weeks to get to that stage and then after I was done with that I went back to filling my time and mind with other things.
I'd love to talk to someone about it but again, they don't wanna hear my shit and talking won't do anything.
I go to work, I make videos, I pretend to study, I watch videos and I pretend I don't feel and I don't know what that means.
I also have a habit of asking the person (I hate saying "my ex", sounds too real) about their progress in single life/break up life/etc. I'm always disappointed/hurt,
To the point of being ill thinking about the things mentioned.
Why do I keep doing it? I don't know. In the hopes of something different I think. In the hopes that he'll say it's hard for him too, that he misses me, that he hasn't felt anything for anyone else, whatever. Just something to validate my experience. To feel like I'm not alone.
And maybe that's why people talk to their friends about this stuff? But I don't get that. I try, but it doesn't work.
Another thing I wish I could understand is my need to talk to him, when I know it'll only cause pain. Is it a love of pain or a lack of love for myself? Is it denial? Ignoring the break up?
And beyond all this, if I know he's doing these things that are causing me so much pain, why am I still messaging him things I know he'll like? Why am I putting myself on a level to get his attention?
Part of the reason his actions are hurting me is because of the emotion or belief I have surrounding them, which every person will differ on. The fact that I find it incredibly romantic to tickle a guys head, doesn't mean anyone else should. But for whatever reason, thinking about him getting head tickles hurts.
I realised the other day I like affection. I'm an affectionate person. BUT! Even with affection I need an emotional connection to get on that level.

I guess I just miss him. I don't like that it's over. I liked us. I love him. It's hard adjusting to knowing that something that felt so good could not work.
He ticked all my boxes. Our relationship was the greatest I've had. It was exactly what I wanted. And while I know that you have to take the bad with the good, I just can't believe that something so good didn't last.
I did kinda say this tho, I told myself I didn't care about getting hurt, I was going to enjoy him while I had him. So what if I don't anymore?
It's not a fear of being single, I like my company. If someone can fit into my life as easily as he did, I wouldn't say no (provided they fill my requirements and we're compatible and I'm ready etc)
And yet this ache in my chest and the feeling of being physically ill won't subside.
I want to distract myself, but I can't.
I would let myself indulge in it but I can't guarantee I'd get out of it.
I want to message him for advice but we'd be back at square one.
I was going to ask "how have I never had this much of an intense break up" but then I realised I've also not had the same intensity in relationship, equal and opposite reaction I suppose.

I guess I should go back to pretending to study for tomorrow's exam and hope I don't actually throw up, idk

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