Friday, September 1, 2017

Thank you letter to the universe

If this were the last day I was granted,
I'd say thank you for the sunset. Let the next one be just as beautiful for those that remain.
Thank you for the bird, flying low along the river.
Thank you for the joy I feel around friends.
I'd marvel at all the complicated things I don't understand and thank those who do.
I'd look upon all the separate moving parts and how they interact. Chemical compounds, plants, biology, music, humans, different nations. All different, all related.
I'd smile at every strange face I'd ever seen.
I'd worry not what policy was being put in place or who the policy maker was.
The mouthpiece for the government would slip from significance, along with the celebrities and gossip culture.
I'd dance even more at don't walk signs.
I'd say thanks for my sight and all the colours, my hearing and the sound of music, taste and the flavours of all my favourite foods, smell and the fresh morning air, touch and the comfort of a good blanket.
I'd compliment everyone I'd ever known or met.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Forewarning

His words mean nothing,
His affection holds no weight.
He'll say what it takes,
He's my only twin flame.
It's oxytocin,
It's a game,
It's for show,
He's on his own.
His skin marred by your mouth,
Then mine,
Then hers,
I draw the line.
He says you know,
Says he's fine to and fro.
He avoids you with me,
He avoids me with you.
The drugs,
The sex,
The narcissism.
Don't fall in love with him.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Unintentional Insults

I've lost a lot of weight lately from not having an appetite.
It started with my breakup and antidepressant withdrawals.
Now I've just adjusted and don't need to eat as often or as much.
Since I've lost weight, here have been some of the comments from those around me.
Mum: You look so skinny! (Compliment)
Female Friend: You're tiny (Jealous compliment)
Male Friend: You look gaunt (Insult?)
Male PT: Your ass is coming back! A girl's best feature is their ass (Sexist compliment)
Ex: Your ass might even be better now. (Compliment)

Every time I put an outfit on I have to reconsider and change, because it's now baggy and looks scruffy.
Every time someone mentions needing food or being hungry I have no response because I can't relate.
Every time I notice hunger pains it's a struggle to decide what I want to eat. Do I want to eat? Am I hungry? It's such a foreign feeling now I honestly can't even tell.
Every time I go to the kitchen I try and eat even just some nuts, but without the saliva production from appetite or hunger nothing is palatable.

I don't know why this seems so pressing to me. I have no idea whether I'm right in saying that if I'm not hungry I don't need to be eating. I don't know why I'm stressing about it or even if I'm stressing about it.
And even if I am, I don't know if I can change it.
Maybe I am just less hungry than before. Maybe I was overeating from my medication. There is every possibility in the world that my body will be entirely okay with the amount of calories I'm consuming.
I'm not dizzy, I'm not hungry, I'm not weak. My concentration is a little fuzzy but that's because of stress and emotions.
Why do the "compliments" bother me so much? Why does society seem to put so much pressure on a woman's weight? Does it? Society is a social construct, and the people in my life seem to care about my weight so I guess it does.

There's really nothing to close this with.

Friday, August 4, 2017

On Suicide

Someone finds you.
Someone finds you, and others find out.
How would you cope, walking in to a room of death?
The morbid sorrow hangs in the air,
Unspoken weight that fills your thoughts.
Matter cannot be created, nor can it be destroyed.
The pain you feel, your memories, your thoughts,
Passed on to the next.
You need not suffer alone,
What lives in you has forever lived.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Train of Consciousness, Kinda

So before I get into this I'd like to state that I've been lowering my antidepressant dose with the hopes of getting down to just 20mg of Prozac a day.
One thing I've noticed is just how much I think at any given moment.
And the fact that when I see a thought, it sparks more thought. Why do I think this? Why do I feel this way? Etc.
I'm hoping I can portray that adequately in this post, and I also hope nobody hates the fact that this is literally just stream of consciousness, not properly written by any stretch of the imagination, just me letting my thoughts out, processing it and maybe coming to conclusions.

Lately, I've been going through some stuff. A break up being the biggest thing. Well, the only thing. But it's hard! This was a relationship that, while short lived, ticked all my boxes. As did the person I was with. One thing I've noticed I do is bottle it up. The only person I feel comfortable talking to about my feelings beyond my psychologist and pet dog back in Sydney is the person that is now trying to move on.
In the past I've realised that my need to keep my feelings to myself has stemmed from always playing counsellor for other people. (You can't burden people with your problems if you're the person they come to with theirs.) I guess that was a sense of responsibility I had to them to some extent.
But now I'm noticing that this fear of worrying other people with my problems has grown to something bigger. It's like, I don't have anyone I can tell and even if I did I can't fix/change it, same goes for feeling it soooooo no point feeling it.
I think it was last Saturday. I was doing the first Headspace guided meditation thing and the instruction was "let your brain do whatever it wants" and I burst into tears. After that I went to bed and cried some more. I was in bed crying on and off all day. That's great! That's progress! But it took me 3 weeks to get to that stage and then after I was done with that I went back to filling my time and mind with other things.
I'd love to talk to someone about it but again, they don't wanna hear my shit and talking won't do anything.
I go to work, I make videos, I pretend to study, I watch videos and I pretend I don't feel and I don't know what that means.
I also have a habit of asking the person (I hate saying "my ex", sounds too real) about their progress in single life/break up life/etc. I'm always disappointed/hurt,
To the point of being ill thinking about the things mentioned.
Why do I keep doing it? I don't know. In the hopes of something different I think. In the hopes that he'll say it's hard for him too, that he misses me, that he hasn't felt anything for anyone else, whatever. Just something to validate my experience. To feel like I'm not alone.
And maybe that's why people talk to their friends about this stuff? But I don't get that. I try, but it doesn't work.
Another thing I wish I could understand is my need to talk to him, when I know it'll only cause pain. Is it a love of pain or a lack of love for myself? Is it denial? Ignoring the break up?
And beyond all this, if I know he's doing these things that are causing me so much pain, why am I still messaging him things I know he'll like? Why am I putting myself on a level to get his attention?
Part of the reason his actions are hurting me is because of the emotion or belief I have surrounding them, which every person will differ on. The fact that I find it incredibly romantic to tickle a guys head, doesn't mean anyone else should. But for whatever reason, thinking about him getting head tickles hurts.
I realised the other day I like affection. I'm an affectionate person. BUT! Even with affection I need an emotional connection to get on that level.

I guess I just miss him. I don't like that it's over. I liked us. I love him. It's hard adjusting to knowing that something that felt so good could not work.
He ticked all my boxes. Our relationship was the greatest I've had. It was exactly what I wanted. And while I know that you have to take the bad with the good, I just can't believe that something so good didn't last.
I did kinda say this tho, I told myself I didn't care about getting hurt, I was going to enjoy him while I had him. So what if I don't anymore?
It's not a fear of being single, I like my company. If someone can fit into my life as easily as he did, I wouldn't say no (provided they fill my requirements and we're compatible and I'm ready etc)
And yet this ache in my chest and the feeling of being physically ill won't subside.
I want to distract myself, but I can't.
I would let myself indulge in it but I can't guarantee I'd get out of it.
I want to message him for advice but we'd be back at square one.
I was going to ask "how have I never had this much of an intense break up" but then I realised I've also not had the same intensity in relationship, equal and opposite reaction I suppose.

I guess I should go back to pretending to study for tomorrow's exam and hope I don't actually throw up, idk

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

2017 Reading List

As a child I loved reading. I'd read 15 novels a year.
With adulthood came a decline in my reading, as is the same for a lot of people.
I noticed I never thought of it, never looked at books, never made lists of books to read, just let it go to the wayside.

And then 2017 Kate came along and was like "BITCH WE'RE GONNA READ THIS YEAR!"
So I figured I'd share my personal reading list to help keep me accountable.
Each title is linked to Amazon so if you want to get it yourself it helps me out too.

Currently reading: Terry Hawkins "Why Wait To Be Great? It's Either Now or Too Late" - A motivating and inspiring book about the root of optimism and pessimism, and how to strive for an optimistic outlook.


The following are more non fiction/self help books that I'm interested in, but you may find some benefit to them as well.

Thaddeus Wawro "Radicals and Visionaries" (Audible version as physical copy is rare and expensive)

Timothy Ferriss "4 Hour Work Week"

Patrick Bet-David "Doing the Impossible"

Dale Carnegie "How to Win Friends & Influence People"

Aiden McCoy "How to Analyze People"

Alan G. Fields "Human Psychology 101"

Leonard Mlodinow "Subliminal: How Your Unconscious Mind Rules Your Behaviour"

Rhonda Byrne "The Secret"

Rhonda Byrne "The Power"

Rhonda Byrne "The Magic"


And of course, some fiction

Paula Hawkins "The Girl On The Train"

John Green "The Fault in Our Stars"

James Dashner "Maze Runner" (The whole series)

Mohsin Hamid "Exit West: A Novel"


Okay okay okay, I have a really long book list.
Buying all of these books would be a complete pain in the ass. Add on shipping, having to put them somewhere, moving them when I move, BOOKS ARE A STRUGGLE!
You've probably noticed that I have used Amazon links for each of the books mentioned, mainly because I love Amazon and it has absolutely everything.
So much so that I didn't even realise they had an UNLIMITED KINDLE SUBSCRIPTION. ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.
I DIED.
For $10USD a month, you can read as many books as you want digitally, meaning no need for shipping and storing them. You could even read multiple books at once if you wanted! (I am way too ADHD for that but nothing stopping you!)
Better yet? Your first 30 days are free if you click here and sign up!
I cannot wait to start reading more and even reviewing books for you guys! URGH! So exciting!

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Dilemmas

As some of you may be aware recently my mother has moved back to Brisbane and has offered me to live with her in her apartment.
At first I was hesitant because my mum and I don't get along when she is under the influence, but once I was sure she had undertaken the appropriate measures to move beyond that I started considering it, coming up with the following pros and cons which leave me pretty much completely lost.

I currently live in an amazing house with plenty of room to invite guests over and entertain.
With that, I also have the freedom to drink if I want to.
I own an incredible queen sized bed with luxurious linen and enjoy sleeping in the complete darkness and silence this place provides me.
I am conveniently located between 2 major shopping centres and close to an Aldi for emergency grocery top ups if necessary.
The kitchen is spacious and equipped with a gas stove and plenty of cupboard space, not that I use much anyway.
I have established my filming set up and can stream without audio or personal interruptions.
I have my own bathroom with enough cupboard space for all the products I own.
I can retreat to my room to avoid noise or interactions with other people.
My bedroom has enough room for me to have my desk, bed, shelving and a filming spot.

However, there are down sides to everything, including the location I'm currently in.

NBN has promised HFC in our area meaning we need to wait another year before internet speeds that will allow for a standard definition stream or the ability to watch a livestream.
Public transport to locations other than the 2 shopping centres I live by is difficult and requires multiple changes.
No convenient location for topping up my go card.
Very few convenient places for outdoor recreation.

Which brings me to the potential wins for living with my mother.

Telstra Velocity is available, meaning 30mbps down and 5mbps up average speeds.
Saving $50/week on rent.
Bonding with my mother.
Located near parks and other entertainment.
A brief walk away from the city.
Convenient public transport options.
Being a hotel/apartment complex it is incredibly secure.
Full length mirror in my bedroom.
Living with someone who can (and will) hold me accountable and push me to do better.
Someone to share clothes with.
Someone to prepare and eat meals with.
Large balcony for entertaining.
Gym equipment available for use in the building (albeit minimal).

Although, it's not all daisies and rainbows.

It's a shoe box apartment with very limited room.
Old lighting fixtures and poorly placed windows for natural lighting.
I would be streaming in the living room where my mother watches TV. LOUDLY.
I can't think of a location for filming.
Being close to the city means a consistently higher level of background noise.
My room may not fit my bed, and certainly won't fit my storage units.
Moving would require me to disassemble and transport my furniture.
Smaller wardrobe for me and having to share that with my mother as we both have lots of clothing.
No drinking policy. Not a blanket rule but out of respect for my mother I would want to avoid alcohol.
Living with a smoker where my bedroom opens up onto the balcony where my mother smokes.
Damaged relationship and communication barriers that could lead to emotional disturbances.

So. Without trying too hard to make an extensive list, these are the main concerns I have as far as deciding whether or not to live with my mother.
For the time my mum is happy that I have decided to stay here for a while and I do visit often for "sleepovers" as I continue to test the idea.
As I test the idea I may come up with solutions to the problems for either location, but only time will tell.
If you can think of solutions to some of the cons I'm all ears, please let me know!