Thursday, November 2, 2017

The Other Love

(This is a continuation on a post regarding what love is/isn't. Some of the posts in this series will be surrounding specific lovers or partners I have had, others more a comment on socially accepted behaviour. Today's series of thoughts holds no resemblance to any single interaction I've had, but attempts to capture many different aspects of romantic interactions in many different elements.)


Is love in the way he only messages me for sex?
Is it the sinking feeling I get when we're out and I know the night won't end without sleeping with him?
Is it the sense of obligation to give him sex?
Perhaps it's that bizarre sense of satisfaction from knowing he wants to sleep with me.
Or the fierce jealousy and competition felt from the idea of him with another girl.
Is it the fact that I'll dress to impress him when I know I'm uncomfortable?
Is it the scheduling of menstruation to compliment his availability?
Hiding the way you feel in the hopes that they'll beg you to be with them?
The way my mind jumps through hoops to figure out what he might mean or how I should react to what he says and does?
The desire to message them and beg for affection, then deciding against messaging them at all for fear of being a nuisance and scaring them away.
The fact that you crave physical affection, to be cuddled and held, even though you know if it were to happen you'd be frozen in time, thoughts racing, stiff and uncomfortable.
Perhaps the inability to say no? No to "hanging out", no to sex, no to affection you feel is unbalanced in emotional reciprocation, no to anything at all.
Or the inability to convey your true thoughts and feelings? Be it on the situation between the two of you or the hundred other things that are niggling away at your heart, chewing at your soul.
The unspoken truth that if they were ever to ask for anything, you'd drop it all to provide.
Maybe it's the way you become a shy, quiet girl in some settings, loud and defensive (aggressive) in others and in some you're the bright, bubbly and inviting individual you hope to be at your heart.
Could love be found in the false small talk you force in the hopes of satisfying his conversation requirements?
Maybe love is found in the way you freeze up when you're naked in front of him, to scared to move for fear of jiggling or upsetting his idea that you're not a hideous beast of some kind.
Is it love when a women picks apart another woman's body merely to feel better about her own?
Is it love to change your style to better compliment that of your partner?
Is it love when you know you're not listening to what he's saying, or you disagree or know you know better but say nothing for fear of being belittled for your opinions?
Is it the way you sit there, allowing him to fill the vacant space of silence with pathetic ramblings just to spare yourself the possibility of saying the wrong thing?
Maybe love is the empty feeling from looking in a mirror and seeing a shell of a human attempting to fulfill all the different potential desires he may have?
Maybe it's the lies I tell myself to maintain a life in constant misalignment with my values.
Maybe love is found in the way I've read a situation one way, only to discover it to be a complete other way.
Maybe love is in the way he says he only wants meaningless sex from me.
Maybe love is the way all his friends are females he calls "hot" or "crazy" or "his bitches".
Is it love for a friend to offer you money for sex?
Is it the way I act tough around males to avoid being seen as leading them on?
Is it the funny way I never have time for those that seem to be genuinely interested in me and those I'm genuinely interested in never seem to have time for me?
Is it the way we all seem to distract ourselves with casual sex and ignoring/avoiding/denying the existence of emotional connections?

No, I suppose I really don't know what love is.

Friday, October 20, 2017

Love?

Inspired by Tove Lo "Wtf Love Is" lyrics

Is it the way he reaches his hand behind him to grab mine as we walk inside from the balcony?
Is it the way he starts by kissing my lips slowly and proceeds to kiss every inch of my bare skin with increasing momentum?
Is it the way he'll stare so deeply into my eyes that he'll stop listening to what I'm saying and need me to repeat myself?
Is it the way he asks for my opinion and opens up about personal situations and experiences?
Is it the way he calls me beautiful, princess or "my Kate"?
Is it the way he says he just wants to chill with me? Or the way he can't wait to hang out with me?
Is it the fact that neither of us really stop smiling while we're together?
Is it the existential conversations we have, sharing ideas and questioning possibilities together?
Is it the fact that I can open up to him about my darkest times, my inner demons, and he'll just say "my little loony" and hold me close?
Is it the fear that I get when I think of him doing this with someone else?
Is it the fact that when I said I'm more than just a uni friend he agreed?
Is it the way he honestly contemplated the idea of us being twin flames?
Is it in the fact that he loves my mum and asks about my brother?
Is it the way everyone in a group that sees us together knows there's something going on?
Is it the way our eyes light up when we see each other?
Is it the way he's amazed by the shape of my body?
Is it the way I long for him?
Is it the jealousy I feel when I see him with other people?
Is it the way I will go to great lengths to make him happy, even if it's at my expense?
No. This isn't love. Obviously I don't know what love is.

Friday, September 1, 2017

Thank you letter to the universe

If this were the last day I was granted,
I'd say thank you for the sunset. Let the next one be just as beautiful for those that remain.
Thank you for the bird, flying low along the river.
Thank you for the joy I feel around friends.
I'd marvel at all the complicated things I don't understand and thank those who do.
I'd look upon all the separate moving parts and how they interact. Chemical compounds, plants, biology, music, humans, different nations. All different, all related.
I'd smile at every strange face I'd ever seen.
I'd worry not what policy was being put in place or who the policy maker was.
The mouthpiece for the government would slip from significance, along with the celebrities and gossip culture.
I'd dance even more at don't walk signs.
I'd say thanks for my sight and all the colours, my hearing and the sound of music, taste and the flavours of all my favourite foods, smell and the fresh morning air, touch and the comfort of a good blanket.
I'd compliment everyone I'd ever known or met.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Forewarning

His words mean nothing,
His affection holds no weight.
He'll say what it takes,
He's my only twin flame.
It's oxytocin,
It's a game,
It's for show,
He's on his own.
His skin marred by your mouth,
Then mine,
Then hers,
I draw the line.
He says you know,
Says he's fine to and fro.
He avoids you with me,
He avoids me with you.
The drugs,
The sex,
The narcissism.
Don't fall in love with him.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Unintentional Insults

I've lost a lot of weight lately from not having an appetite.
It started with my breakup and antidepressant withdrawals.
Now I've just adjusted and don't need to eat as often or as much.
Since I've lost weight, here have been some of the comments from those around me.
Mum: You look so skinny! (Compliment)
Female Friend: You're tiny (Jealous compliment)
Male Friend: You look gaunt (Insult?)
Male PT: Your ass is coming back! A girl's best feature is their ass (Sexist compliment)
Ex: Your ass might even be better now. (Compliment)

Every time I put an outfit on I have to reconsider and change, because it's now baggy and looks scruffy.
Every time someone mentions needing food or being hungry I have no response because I can't relate.
Every time I notice hunger pains it's a struggle to decide what I want to eat. Do I want to eat? Am I hungry? It's such a foreign feeling now I honestly can't even tell.
Every time I go to the kitchen I try and eat even just some nuts, but without the saliva production from appetite or hunger nothing is palatable.

I don't know why this seems so pressing to me. I have no idea whether I'm right in saying that if I'm not hungry I don't need to be eating. I don't know why I'm stressing about it or even if I'm stressing about it.
And even if I am, I don't know if I can change it.
Maybe I am just less hungry than before. Maybe I was overeating from my medication. There is every possibility in the world that my body will be entirely okay with the amount of calories I'm consuming.
I'm not dizzy, I'm not hungry, I'm not weak. My concentration is a little fuzzy but that's because of stress and emotions.
Why do the "compliments" bother me so much? Why does society seem to put so much pressure on a woman's weight? Does it? Society is a social construct, and the people in my life seem to care about my weight so I guess it does.

There's really nothing to close this with.

Friday, August 4, 2017

On Suicide

Someone finds you.
Someone finds you, and others find out.
How would you cope, walking in to a room of death?
The morbid sorrow hangs in the air,
Unspoken weight that fills your thoughts.
Matter cannot be created, nor can it be destroyed.
The pain you feel, your memories, your thoughts,
Passed on to the next.
You need not suffer alone,
What lives in you has forever lived.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Train of Consciousness, Kinda

So before I get into this I'd like to state that I've been lowering my antidepressant dose with the hopes of getting down to just 20mg of Prozac a day.
One thing I've noticed is just how much I think at any given moment.
And the fact that when I see a thought, it sparks more thought. Why do I think this? Why do I feel this way? Etc.
I'm hoping I can portray that adequately in this post, and I also hope nobody hates the fact that this is literally just stream of consciousness, not properly written by any stretch of the imagination, just me letting my thoughts out, processing it and maybe coming to conclusions.

Lately, I've been going through some stuff. A break up being the biggest thing. Well, the only thing. But it's hard! This was a relationship that, while short lived, ticked all my boxes. As did the person I was with. One thing I've noticed I do is bottle it up. The only person I feel comfortable talking to about my feelings beyond my psychologist and pet dog back in Sydney is the person that is now trying to move on.
In the past I've realised that my need to keep my feelings to myself has stemmed from always playing counsellor for other people. (You can't burden people with your problems if you're the person they come to with theirs.) I guess that was a sense of responsibility I had to them to some extent.
But now I'm noticing that this fear of worrying other people with my problems has grown to something bigger. It's like, I don't have anyone I can tell and even if I did I can't fix/change it, same goes for feeling it soooooo no point feeling it.
I think it was last Saturday. I was doing the first Headspace guided meditation thing and the instruction was "let your brain do whatever it wants" and I burst into tears. After that I went to bed and cried some more. I was in bed crying on and off all day. That's great! That's progress! But it took me 3 weeks to get to that stage and then after I was done with that I went back to filling my time and mind with other things.
I'd love to talk to someone about it but again, they don't wanna hear my shit and talking won't do anything.
I go to work, I make videos, I pretend to study, I watch videos and I pretend I don't feel and I don't know what that means.
I also have a habit of asking the person (I hate saying "my ex", sounds too real) about their progress in single life/break up life/etc. I'm always disappointed/hurt,
To the point of being ill thinking about the things mentioned.
Why do I keep doing it? I don't know. In the hopes of something different I think. In the hopes that he'll say it's hard for him too, that he misses me, that he hasn't felt anything for anyone else, whatever. Just something to validate my experience. To feel like I'm not alone.
And maybe that's why people talk to their friends about this stuff? But I don't get that. I try, but it doesn't work.
Another thing I wish I could understand is my need to talk to him, when I know it'll only cause pain. Is it a love of pain or a lack of love for myself? Is it denial? Ignoring the break up?
And beyond all this, if I know he's doing these things that are causing me so much pain, why am I still messaging him things I know he'll like? Why am I putting myself on a level to get his attention?
Part of the reason his actions are hurting me is because of the emotion or belief I have surrounding them, which every person will differ on. The fact that I find it incredibly romantic to tickle a guys head, doesn't mean anyone else should. But for whatever reason, thinking about him getting head tickles hurts.
I realised the other day I like affection. I'm an affectionate person. BUT! Even with affection I need an emotional connection to get on that level.

I guess I just miss him. I don't like that it's over. I liked us. I love him. It's hard adjusting to knowing that something that felt so good could not work.
He ticked all my boxes. Our relationship was the greatest I've had. It was exactly what I wanted. And while I know that you have to take the bad with the good, I just can't believe that something so good didn't last.
I did kinda say this tho, I told myself I didn't care about getting hurt, I was going to enjoy him while I had him. So what if I don't anymore?
It's not a fear of being single, I like my company. If someone can fit into my life as easily as he did, I wouldn't say no (provided they fill my requirements and we're compatible and I'm ready etc)
And yet this ache in my chest and the feeling of being physically ill won't subside.
I want to distract myself, but I can't.
I would let myself indulge in it but I can't guarantee I'd get out of it.
I want to message him for advice but we'd be back at square one.
I was going to ask "how have I never had this much of an intense break up" but then I realised I've also not had the same intensity in relationship, equal and opposite reaction I suppose.

I guess I should go back to pretending to study for tomorrow's exam and hope I don't actually throw up, idk