Sunday, April 15, 2018

What's Going On?

So I haven't been putting out content, and the content I put out is depressing as fuck. I know you (as a collective) have noticed.
So what the fuck has happened?
As much as I would love to sit here and say "My mother has cancer" or something, unfortunately it's not like that.
Okay that sounded awful, let me explain.
There was no one event that made me spiral in to the pit of darkness I now call home inside my mind.
It wasn't like I woke up one day and decided, "Gee, you know what? I haven't had depression in a while let's just jump on that train again and while I'm at it? Let's make mealtimes and eating near impossible with panic, stress and anxiety around calories and weight gain. Purging sounds fun!"

In the past couple of months I have had some "bad news" in the form of intimate or personal relationships, health, family, work and university. I've had to put up with my university load, the leadership role I hold, the constant loneliness from isolating myself, the lack of work, financial stress as a result of the lack of work, the fact that I wouldn't turn to anyone and ask for help even if I thought I needed it, and so on.

I want to make content. I want to document my current life. I want to have videos to upload, even though I have nearly no motivation. I'm going to make videos for you guys, but I don't think they're going to be the same.
They might be funny, they might be good to watch, they might totally suck ass or they might actually depress the crap out of you, I don't know.
I just know that sitting here doing nothing and hoping it gets better or worrying about what MIGHT happen if I keep making videos isn't helping.

So, in closing, I'm sorry for not making content. I was (and am) really depressed. I didn't want to upset you. I was worried my content would suck or I'd hate whatever I film and end up not being able to edit it. I was scared I might not be able to entertain you. I was scared I would worry you or people would realise something is wrong.
Well, now you know (kinda) what's going on, and I'm going to get back into it anyway.
I have some videos I want to make and, while they are incredibly sensitive in nature, I think you might enjoy them.
Maybe.
Also, I've been vlogging.
The vlogs will probably suck.
Who knows. Only one way to find out.

Thursday, November 2, 2017

The Other Love

(This is a continuation on a post regarding what love is/isn't. Some of the posts in this series will be surrounding specific lovers or partners I have had, others more a comment on socially accepted behaviour. Today's series of thoughts holds no resemblance to any single interaction I've had, but attempts to capture many different aspects of romantic interactions in many different elements.)


Is love in the way he only messages me for sex?
Is it the sinking feeling I get when we're out and I know the night won't end without sleeping with him?
Is it the sense of obligation to give him sex?
Perhaps it's that bizarre sense of satisfaction from knowing he wants to sleep with me.
Or the fierce jealousy and competition felt from the idea of him with another girl.
Is it the fact that I'll dress to impress him when I know I'm uncomfortable?
Is it the scheduling of menstruation to compliment his availability?
Hiding the way you feel in the hopes that they'll beg you to be with them?
The way my mind jumps through hoops to figure out what he might mean or how I should react to what he says and does?
The desire to message them and beg for affection, then deciding against messaging them at all for fear of being a nuisance and scaring them away.
The fact that you crave physical affection, to be cuddled and held, even though you know if it were to happen you'd be frozen in time, thoughts racing, stiff and uncomfortable.
Perhaps the inability to say no? No to "hanging out", no to sex, no to affection you feel is unbalanced in emotional reciprocation, no to anything at all.
Or the inability to convey your true thoughts and feelings? Be it on the situation between the two of you or the hundred other things that are niggling away at your heart, chewing at your soul.
The unspoken truth that if they were ever to ask for anything, you'd drop it all to provide.
Maybe it's the way you become a shy, quiet girl in some settings, loud and defensive (aggressive) in others and in some you're the bright, bubbly and inviting individual you hope to be at your heart.
Could love be found in the false small talk you force in the hopes of satisfying his conversation requirements?
Maybe love is found in the way you freeze up when you're naked in front of him, to scared to move for fear of jiggling or upsetting his idea that you're not a hideous beast of some kind.
Is it love when a women picks apart another woman's body merely to feel better about her own?
Is it love to change your style to better compliment that of your partner?
Is it love when you know you're not listening to what he's saying, or you disagree or know you know better but say nothing for fear of being belittled for your opinions?
Is it the way you sit there, allowing him to fill the vacant space of silence with pathetic ramblings just to spare yourself the possibility of saying the wrong thing?
Maybe love is the empty feeling from looking in a mirror and seeing a shell of a human attempting to fulfill all the different potential desires he may have?
Maybe it's the lies I tell myself to maintain a life in constant misalignment with my values.
Maybe love is found in the way I've read a situation one way, only to discover it to be a complete other way.
Maybe love is in the way he says he only wants meaningless sex from me.
Maybe love is the way all his friends are females he calls "hot" or "crazy" or "his bitches".
Is it love for a friend to offer you money for sex?
Is it the way I act tough around males to avoid being seen as leading them on?
Is it the funny way I never have time for those that seem to be genuinely interested in me and those I'm genuinely interested in never seem to have time for me?
Is it the way we all seem to distract ourselves with casual sex and ignoring/avoiding/denying the existence of emotional connections?

No, I suppose I really don't know what love is.

Friday, October 20, 2017

Love?

Inspired by Tove Lo "Wtf Love Is" lyrics

Is it the way he reaches his hand behind him to grab mine as we walk inside from the balcony?
Is it the way he starts by kissing my lips slowly and proceeds to kiss every inch of my bare skin with increasing momentum?
Is it the way he'll stare so deeply into my eyes that he'll stop listening to what I'm saying and need me to repeat myself?
Is it the way he asks for my opinion and opens up about personal situations and experiences?
Is it the way he calls me beautiful, princess or "my Kate"?
Is it the way he says he just wants to chill with me? Or the way he can't wait to hang out with me?
Is it the fact that neither of us really stop smiling while we're together?
Is it the existential conversations we have, sharing ideas and questioning possibilities together?
Is it the fact that I can open up to him about my darkest times, my inner demons, and he'll just say "my little loony" and hold me close?
Is it the fear that I get when I think of him doing this with someone else?
Is it the fact that when I said I'm more than just a uni friend he agreed?
Is it the way he honestly contemplated the idea of us being twin flames?
Is it in the fact that he loves my mum and asks about my brother?
Is it the way everyone in a group that sees us together knows there's something going on?
Is it the way our eyes light up when we see each other?
Is it the way he's amazed by the shape of my body?
Is it the way I long for him?
Is it the jealousy I feel when I see him with other people?
Is it the way I will go to great lengths to make him happy, even if it's at my expense?
No. This isn't love. Obviously I don't know what love is.

Friday, September 1, 2017

Thank you letter to the universe

If this were the last day I was granted,
I'd say thank you for the sunset. Let the next one be just as beautiful for those that remain.
Thank you for the bird, flying low along the river.
Thank you for the joy I feel around friends.
I'd marvel at all the complicated things I don't understand and thank those who do.
I'd look upon all the separate moving parts and how they interact. Chemical compounds, plants, biology, music, humans, different nations. All different, all related.
I'd smile at every strange face I'd ever seen.
I'd worry not what policy was being put in place or who the policy maker was.
The mouthpiece for the government would slip from significance, along with the celebrities and gossip culture.
I'd dance even more at don't walk signs.
I'd say thanks for my sight and all the colours, my hearing and the sound of music, taste and the flavours of all my favourite foods, smell and the fresh morning air, touch and the comfort of a good blanket.
I'd compliment everyone I'd ever known or met.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Forewarning

His words mean nothing,
His affection holds no weight.
He'll say what it takes,
He's my only twin flame.
It's oxytocin,
It's a game,
It's for show,
He's on his own.
His skin marred by your mouth,
Then mine,
Then hers,
I draw the line.
He says you know,
Says he's fine to and fro.
He avoids you with me,
He avoids me with you.
The drugs,
The sex,
The narcissism.
Don't fall in love with him.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Unintentional Insults

I've lost a lot of weight lately from not having an appetite.
It started with my breakup and antidepressant withdrawals.
Now I've just adjusted and don't need to eat as often or as much.
Since I've lost weight, here have been some of the comments from those around me.
Mum: You look so skinny! (Compliment)
Female Friend: You're tiny (Jealous compliment)
Male Friend: You look gaunt (Insult?)
Male PT: Your ass is coming back! A girl's best feature is their ass (Sexist compliment)
Ex: Your ass might even be better now. (Compliment)

Every time I put an outfit on I have to reconsider and change, because it's now baggy and looks scruffy.
Every time someone mentions needing food or being hungry I have no response because I can't relate.
Every time I notice hunger pains it's a struggle to decide what I want to eat. Do I want to eat? Am I hungry? It's such a foreign feeling now I honestly can't even tell.
Every time I go to the kitchen I try and eat even just some nuts, but without the saliva production from appetite or hunger nothing is palatable.

I don't know why this seems so pressing to me. I have no idea whether I'm right in saying that if I'm not hungry I don't need to be eating. I don't know why I'm stressing about it or even if I'm stressing about it.
And even if I am, I don't know if I can change it.
Maybe I am just less hungry than before. Maybe I was overeating from my medication. There is every possibility in the world that my body will be entirely okay with the amount of calories I'm consuming.
I'm not dizzy, I'm not hungry, I'm not weak. My concentration is a little fuzzy but that's because of stress and emotions.
Why do the "compliments" bother me so much? Why does society seem to put so much pressure on a woman's weight? Does it? Society is a social construct, and the people in my life seem to care about my weight so I guess it does.

There's really nothing to close this with.

Friday, August 4, 2017

On Suicide

Someone finds you.
Someone finds you, and others find out.
How would you cope, walking in to a room of death?
The morbid sorrow hangs in the air,
Unspoken weight that fills your thoughts.
Matter cannot be created, nor can it be destroyed.
The pain you feel, your memories, your thoughts,
Passed on to the next.
You need not suffer alone,
What lives in you has forever lived.