Friday, August 11, 2017

Unintentional Insults

I've lost a lot of weight lately from not having an appetite.
It started with my breakup and antidepressant withdrawals.
Now I've just adjusted and don't need to eat as often or as much.
Since I've lost weight, here have been some of the comments from those around me.
Mum: You look so skinny! (Compliment)
Female Friend: You're tiny (Jealous compliment)
Male Friend: You look gaunt (Insult?)
Male PT: Your ass is coming back! A girl's best feature is their ass (Sexist compliment)
Ex: Your ass might even be better now. (Compliment)

Every time I put an outfit on I have to reconsider and change, because it's now baggy and looks scruffy.
Every time someone mentions needing food or being hungry I have no response because I can't relate.
Every time I notice hunger pains it's a struggle to decide what I want to eat. Do I want to eat? Am I hungry? It's such a foreign feeling now I honestly can't even tell.
Every time I go to the kitchen I try and eat even just some nuts, but without the saliva production from appetite or hunger nothing is palatable.

I don't know why this seems so pressing to me. I have no idea whether I'm right in saying that if I'm not hungry I don't need to be eating. I don't know why I'm stressing about it or even if I'm stressing about it.
And even if I am, I don't know if I can change it.
Maybe I am just less hungry than before. Maybe I was overeating from my medication. There is every possibility in the world that my body will be entirely okay with the amount of calories I'm consuming.
I'm not dizzy, I'm not hungry, I'm not weak. My concentration is a little fuzzy but that's because of stress and emotions.
Why do the "compliments" bother me so much? Why does society seem to put so much pressure on a woman's weight? Does it? Society is a social construct, and the people in my life seem to care about my weight so I guess it does.

There's really nothing to close this with.

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