Monday, July 14, 2014

Houston, We Have A Problem...

So I get all excited for an event my boyfriend shares with me over Facebook, inviting people to come and see the house. First I ask to be cohost on the Facebook event page as I assume this is our housewarming and that I'll be cooking for everyone, to which he says no, which upset me because it makes us look like we aren't a couple. It makes it more his event than ours.

The day wears on and I reply to a comment asking if beer will be provided by saying that food will be. To which his friend was rude to me, and then my boyfriend implies that they won't even be eating my food.

Then I find out as the day comes to an end that my boyfriend doesn't want me cooking for the event at all because it isn't a housewarming at all. This was after I had invited all my workmates and my aunty as well because I was getting excited to show them the house and share my cooking with them.

He then gets frustrated at me being excited to cook and snaps at me. I explain that I'm simply excited to cook again and he says that I could be cooking for his family here, and that I should just offer to cook for them one night.
Which I did.
And his step father rejected me.

Which makes it so difficult because my boyfriend says it would be better if I try and interact with his parents more but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm not even really their family, I don't want them to think that because I'm dating their son I expect them to put up with me or love me or anything. I'm trying to be polite the only way I know how, and that is by staying out of their way. And when I get encouraged to do otherwise and finally decide to take the advice, I get shut down and loose all confidence.

So now I'm going to ask tomorrow if it would be better if I cooked 2 meals, a vegan option for myself and a meat meal for them, just to see if that makes them happier, but again, I'm scared of being denied.
Dinners are already a shaky subject for me, they were always terrible as a family and when I was suffering with my eating disorder and trying desperately to loose weight and be thin, my mum's personal trainer friend questioned me forcefully about exercise, making me cry and run away from the dinner table after mustering so much strength to sit and eat to begin with.

Which reminds me, guess what might just be coming back? I just can't stand the way I look at the moment. Everything just makes me feel sick. My skin, my regrowth, my eyebrows, my fat, the shape of my body, everything.
I had a terrible lunch today and decided that after groceries I should make it up to myself by getting a cheap deal that I would enjoy, and after finishing the whole thing felt hideously guilty. So now tomorrow I have to force myself to run for about 10kms before my weight training session. I just can't stand myself right now. I feel uncomfortable with the whole family thing, I feel uncomfortable with the whole move thing, I'm scared my boyfriend doesn't like my cooking after he snapped at me, and now I don't even know if I can cook anymore. I feel like I'm just reacting the only way I know how. Restricting and burning calories. It doesn't even scare me. What scares me is how much I've eaten today. And how big I am after I've been thinking I've been eating well. It's going to take a hell of a lot of work.

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