I struggle with being a human

 I don't write often. Here, or in my journal. I think I should be ashamed of that, but I'm also ashamed of everything.

With that out of the way, here's what's giving me the sads at the moment.

It's taken me about 2 years to realise my last relationship, the 5 years of him flip-flopping on how he feels about me, has hurt. My undying dedication to him and being repaid with "I like [insert something I'm not] type girls" and then dumping me for things I can't change, only to come back and apologise, might have been misplaced.

And now, at almost 30 years old, I'm still as lost as ever on how to date. 

When the breakup with the ex was fresh, the unanimous suggestion was always "Go out!", and my response was always "I go outside all the time, for uni, work, and the gym, nobody wants me". I knew full well they meant I should go to a bar or some night venue and meet someone that way, but I don't think I should start doing something I don't enjoy so that I can meet someone who might have different values to me and possibly find someone who finds my body visually appealing. I feared being used, being disrespected, being tricked or conned into a one night stand. I maintain they're valid fears, but perhaps that isn't worth me dismissing the option.

So without boring you with the details I ended up meeting someone. It was someone I was already familiar with and already attracted to, but we met formally recently and started seeing each other.

It wasn't anything formal, and that scared me.

I struggle with my self esteem. I don't know how to be chill. I'm scared that if I don't trap someone, they'll leave. 

I'm in this weird situation where every lack of response is received as him not liking me, me not being good enough, me being silly for thinking he'd like me at all; when he's done nothing except calm my fears when I raise them with him and express his desire to keep seeing me.

This is a me problem. I know this is dead in the water and it hurts; it's like I'm mourning the relationship before it's even happened. 

I just feel like I'm silly for trying. I don't think I'm worthy. I don't know whether I should think I am. I know there's a few people who think I'm attractive, but that doesn't mean I'm worth a relationship.

So my solution is to just be single to save whoever is stupid enough to like me from me.

Suggestions appreciated, I just need to stop writing because I don't know how to get out of the spiral of self deprecation.