Why can't I keep myself accountable?

 This will be a self roast/self deprecating rant/whatever.

Given the fact that I can't see this going kindly, I'll start with a compliment to myself, please don't take that as me being self congratulatory.

I am proud of myself for maintaining my effort in the gym and with exercise or physical activity. I kept going at university, I kept going at my academics after flopping my first degree, and then having a traumatic 2-4 years covering my second degree. I also kept going, fighting for the rights of my actual abuser, for years, after continuing to be triggered and re-traumatised by doing so. Putting myself second for someone who offers me no credit or kindness.

I am resilient. I am resourceful. But it feels selective.

I can't do the basics. For example, today I had to livestream me doing my chores so that I could both maintain my daily streaming and do my chores for the first time in who knows how many weeks (months?). 

I've also had so many days of pep-talking myself perpetually and hoping I can start doing things - literally any things - to no avail. 

Perhaps it's my lack of goals? But what goals do I want? I'm not depressed, but what am I working towards? Perhaps this is heightened as a result of my newfound freedom from study (side note, I got a distinction on my thesis tyvm), leaving me directionless and left floating aimlessly.

I don't keep myself accountable to the statements I make about what I want and what I say I do.

This comes back to the part about my personal pep-talks. The infinite times I've told myself I'm a daily streamer and upload YouTube videos and post Instagram photos daily, it looks idyllic when I picture it. I have a full routine and work like a well oiled machine, I know I can do it, so why don't I?

I make endless excuses for myself. This month? I wanted to upload Instagram photos and stream every day, but my brother came up to help with a legal matter that was emotionally taxing and left me on a psychological tailspin. Perhaps I can excuse me not being on the internet during that time, and arguably the content I would have made in amongst that emotional turmoil would have been sub-par even for me. 

This may not have been too much to ask for if I hadn't then decided to take time off when I didn't have to while visiting the Gold Coast for a few days. I could have streamed from my phone, which I did once, but didn't maintain. 

Additionally, I wanted to make TikToks on the coast, and made maybe 2? One is still in drafts because I can't seem to bring myself to finish it. I still could, sure, but why haven't I already?

I can't seem to commit myself to doing difficult things. I can't seem to hold myself accountable to "the grind"*.

*I am fully aware how obnoxious the term "grind" is, so please don't think I say this in all seriousness.

There are a lot of things I wish I could do. Like daily chores. Responding to emails as soon as I get them. Completing tasks in manageable ways, not in one bite at the deadline.

Is this a neurodivergent struggle? Does this change anything? Am I hoping to have a boogey man to blame for me being lazy? Am I self sabotaging? Am I afraid of success or failure? I can't seem to even try. Perfectionism? Does there need to be a reason for why I don't/can't do things? Or should I just be able to do them?

If I can sit here and write about how impossible it is for me to do something as simple as cleaning my kitchen counter after I cook or eat, why can I not just do the thing I'm writing about?

Oh and also, I think I have borderline.

Talk later, nerd.