Borderline What?

 As some of you may recall, if you’ve been paying any attention, I signed off my last blog post and ended abruptly saying that I think I’m borderline. I also used the terms “neurodivergent”, “perfectionist”, and “lazy” rather unceremoniously, all of which also remain unnoticed, but I digress.

I think it may be worth noting that my actual diagnoses are quite limited. Formally, I’ve really only been diagnosed with depression, and anxiety comorbidly. These are the only formal diagnoses that should appear on my medical records. That being said, I saw a psychologist who treated me for “trauma” (not a diagnostic term, sure, but she was also only a registered psychologist and hence shouldn’t be conducting any formal evaluations or diagnoses either), indicating a potential diagnosis of cPTSD (not yet formally recognised, so again, we've dodged another bad guy), and in a clinical trial I was advised that I scored highly for certain borderline characteristics while responding to evaluative measures for a non-diagnostic purpose (having characteristics doesn't = meeting criteria and they weren't a consistent treating professional, just someone on the phone so it super totally doesn't count I promise). Beyond that, I’ve cooked up the semi-professional opinion that I’m autistic or ADHD, which I say is supported by the fact that my father received an adult diagnosis of ADHD himself, however it would be remiss of me to not mention that neither of these conditions are super powers and it's mind boggling how trendy it seems to be to say you have them. 

Alas, here we find ourselves in the crosshairs of multiple diagnostic criteria with many overlapping possible presentations. Something that is normally, and I’d argue to greater or lesser extent preferably, detangled with the assistance of a trained professional of which I am not, nor do I currently have access to. It’s another one of the items on my ever growing “to-do list” that gives me anxiety and as such is being deftly avoided. 

Is it the hypersensitivity to rejection in ADHD that leads me to cling wildly to the first person to give me any attention at all, is it hypervigilance from cPTSD resulting in superhuman ability to recognise people pulling away, or perhaps it's the soul crushing experience of abandonment in BPD or just my cursed attachment style?

Am I wildly impulsive and reactive because of BPD, acting up and manipulating situations for my benefit, or is that just me modelling what I learned from my narcissist of a mother? Am I doing what you want because I want to, or because I'm trying on your identity to fill the void where my sense of self should be? Is this dramatic attention seeking behaviour, or just low self esteem?

Are my attention difficulties the result of actual ADHD, or just having worn my attention down over years of being overstimulated with mountains of content? Am I incapable of getting things done because the effort necessary to complete simple tasks is simply too high for me, or am I just way too addicted to watching YouTube videos?

Is it disastrous to think of a casual encounter not wanting me anymore because I became insanely entangled in a month, did that happen because I'm borderline, or am I just desperate and this is the first person I've liked and seen in years?

Is my small social circle, monotonous routine, and consistent isolation a signpost for volatility in social relationships, or simply low confidence to expand upon interpersonal connections? Is this something I could work on or do I need years of DBT? 

There are lots of these questions. Maybe I'm pathologising nothing, and I'm perfectly fine the way I am. Maybe I'm healthy and these are expected presentations of totally normal human behaviour. Perhaps it's just depression and anxiety. Does having the answers really offer anything of worth when debating how I should live my life? Would good diagnosis precede good treatment in this case, where I don't really have the access to any treatment at all? Knowing what it is doesn't automatically mean it gets better, so what's the harm in saying I am fine, despite my quirks?

Anyway, it's bed time nerds. Some of this post might read well, the rest may have been written on a totally different day in a very different headspace. Whatever :P