Perspective

 It should come as no surprise after my last post that lately I've been struggling with body image issues and food fears. 

Something hard to explain that comes as a result of these stressors is the body dysmorphia.

I've verbalised it to friends as looking at my body and seeing 3+ different body types spliced together like those matching toys you'd get in happy meals as a kid where you twist the line up the legs, mid and head of a particular character.

I can't understand my body.

Sometimes I see a specific feature and feel some kind of softness or appreciation for it, normally my collarbones or the part where my ribs become my abdomen, but then it just looks like that body part has been added to something weird, (just below my my collarbones are pecs, and below them hang my two misshapen breasts that look like the early stages of puberty, whereas the cute almost abs of my upper stomach/ribs sits just above my bloated lower belly, made all the worst by my fat flanks that leave my entire midsection looking boxy).

I could sit here and debate whether it's an inability to see the whole for all the parts, that I'm trying to inspect with my brain as opposed to appreciate with my heart, or I could spend time trying to analyse which mechanism/s contribute to the experience, but at the end of the day, that's what I see and how it looks to me.

So I remind myself: this is only how I see it. It's just my disorder. It's just me being my worst critic. Nobody else sees it the same.

Sometimes I'll get compliments for my muscle mass, or a comment about me being small. Some people even try to suggest I'm lean, which is just factually incorrect. I know that each person has their own preference and standards. Sometimes I can tell they don't mean malice, but I battle internally trying to know whether they mean well. Despite whether knowing full well this is a compliment, I'm still left feeling confused.

What do they see?

I would honestly love to see myself from the perspective of someone else. Just for a day, to hop in and out of the minds of NPCs in the real world. To view myself with fresh eyes. What would I see differently? What would I think?

Would I even notice the cellulite? Would I be as disgusted as I normally am that my legs jiggle when I walk? Would my eyes bulge when I see my biceps? Would I still be telling myself I need to be strict on a diet, to increase my cardio, to body check in every reflective surface just to see what I look like in that moment? How would I feel if I saw myself sit down, as opposed to pace at the train station? What would my assumptions be if I saw me from a different perspective?

Obviously this thought experiment extends to more than just physical appearance, unfortunately that's just what preoccupies my mind most. Occasionally my line of questioning rolls into more broad topics, so it becomes...

If I told my life story to someone else, would they see me as a failure, or would they be amazed that I've survived? How would I react if someone else told me they were in my particular circumstance? Why can't I do that for me? If I were an outsider just meeting me for the first time now, would I be as harsh as I am to myself? Or would I be pleasantly surprised at my resilience, my sense of humour, my light-hearted approach to life?

Nobody sees me the way I do.

The same goes for you, too, my dear reader.

Nobody cares about that freckle, that blemish, the fact that you burnt your toast or can't make your bills. Nobody will be disappointed in you for not getting straight A's or asking for help. Nobody is going to wake you up in the middle of the night to remind you of that cringe thing you did back in primary school the way you do. Nobody is going to call you a failure for a relationship not working or the fact that you've been single for longer than you want. Nobody is going to scream at you for not knowing how to dress, or berate you for forgetting to finish your laundry. Nobody will laugh at you because your eyeliner is uneven or your hair is a mess.

I know that knowing this doesn't really kill the inner critic. I know that voice still plays like a broken tape recorder in the background, probably 24hrs a day. I know it's near impossible to shut it up or rewrite that script.

So just start with softness; I might not be as bad as I think. I might not have failed my entire life completely. Perhaps there is a possibility that this isn't the worst thing in the entire universe.

There's also nothing wrong with theoretically swapping perspectives and trying to see yourself from someone else's view. 

It's also super main character of you to assume that anyone passing by will notice you, let alone remember you even 20mins from now.

Realistically you could fuck up a conversation to catastrophic proportions and still not take up any space in their mind, and you're not even getting to that point.

So it's really not that bad.