Friday, December 7, 2012


Ok guys, I know this is a really touchy subject and I personally have been putting off talking about this for quite some time but I think it's time I spoke to you about the fact that life contains suffering. I am wanting to make a video on this topic as well because i feel it's a fair bit more personal but I still haven't gotten around to putting it all into spoken format and have it be coherent and informative.
All I really want to tell you is that I suffer depression, anxiety and some kind of possible eating disorder. That doesn't mean I'm anorexic, suicidal and paranoid, simply that in some situations, I react a little differently because of a difficult upbringing and patterns that I have formed in my brain that keep me in bad habbits when I feel something is going wrong. 
I spent a lot of my childhood being bullied because my family life was, in a word, dysfunctional. I cried in front of my class and spent many days off school to be at home with my mum and younger brother.
Because of the bullying and poor social interactions from childhood, I have now grown a pattern surrounding the belief that I don't fit in which causes me social anxiety. Not crazy.
Because of the unstable family life I have built a pattern surrounding the believe that I'm not good enough that makes me feel depressed. Not crazy.
Because of the low self esteem brought on by being bullied and not feeling fully loved and cared for in childhood, I have suffered with my physical appearance and built a pattern of poor eating habits to help feel more in control and better looking. Not crazy.
And because, a few years ago, I really felt I couldn't cope and had no real outlet to display my wants and needs and the growing frustration of my inability to communicate my pain, I have scars from self harm. Not crazy but I do not condone self harm and strongly suggest you don't start in the first place.
Around 5 years ago my mother had had enough of my instability and we went in search of medication. We finally found a doctor willing to prescribe me antidepressants I entered a mental health plan. I am now currently on an average dosing of Prozac (20mg per day) and find I can cope far better than without them. I understand medication isn't the route for everybody and some people won't approve of the age I started taking medication like this, but I honestly believe I would be dead had I not been given them back then. 
Some people may say that I was going through a hormonal stage and it would have gotten better on it's own, but to them I simply say I wasn't willing to risk it. My thoughts were scaring me, I didn't want to live and I wanted to get better. It was my only real chance.
I had been to counseling before deciding to take medication, and it hadn't helped. Obviously I would recommend trying non-medicated treatment before signing up, because it is a long road and there is the very high possibility that you will need to take them for several years or your whole life, but you know what's best for you.
These symptoms and problems are not a sign of insanity, they really are your brains way of making sense of the world. If the world was painful during these "patterns" being made, your brain will make painful patterns like the ones I described earlier.
Never think you are crazy or not worth the help or treatment. If you aren't happy living, then go and seek help, and more importantly, don't deny the help you may be getting offered through friends and family. Not everyone may understand you, but that doesn't mean they don't want you to get better.

1 comment:

  1. it is always those who have something to offer, ABOVE the mundane, that suffer in life... you are so fucking powerful girl, because you have SUFFERED AND SURVIVED. you don't understand how dangerous this is for those who's intent is to control humanity through mental conditioning..

    maybe if you are ever bored or have a second to look into something that I KNOW will resonate with you, check out project MK ULTRA - trauma based mind control.

    this is a pretty dark and nasty topic but it has helped me deprogram myself as from a young age, i too suffered in a dysfunctional family, school and social circle. I was bullied quite harshly and i am extremely prone to feeling, to the point where my selflessness is actually a problem, because others are selfish. it is hard to be kind in a world run by egotists.

    anyway, MK ULTRA is about inducing trauma especially at a young age of a child to split the mind into different compartments that can be programmed and switched between, kind of like creating a person who has 5 (random number) people living inside them who aren't aware of eachother. britney spears is a sad example of somebody who was brought through one of the worst brainwashing institutes (disney) to become a victim of trauma based mind control & when she shaved her head, she was trying to escape the clutches of these sick individuals who are playing puppet master, behind the scenes.

    anyway, it's all chilled if you don't ever have a look lol, i just thought you may find it interesting, it has helped me a lot on my independent path to enlightenment as you have to confront the darkness to understand and appreciate the light <3