Tuesday, May 28, 2013

A More Productive, Less Emotional Day

Today was devoted to making and uploading YouTube videos and not thinking or worrying about other people.
I had a great sleep in and ate very little until my roommate came home and I ended up having dinner which I didn't really want to. Thankfully I was able to turn a massive spaghetti bolognaise into rice and veges with soy sauce and a bit of sweet chilli.

Tomorrow I have an early shift which gives me time to go to the gym before I go and have a cheap steak and watch my friend's band perform.

The only thing that has made me feel on edge or upset today is a weird note left on my phone from a party that I was too drunk to remember. I'm hoping it's not what I think it is and I hope that I am just making a mountain out of a molehill. 

My self esteem issues have peaked after that suss note that I'm sure was just typed in order to show someone else and I can vaguely remember my phone being used by someone to talk to someone else.

Trying not to freak out about it.

I'm trying to find myself and be strong in who I am but I am constantly distracting myself by other's peoples problems and putting myself on the back burner. I know this is a direct result of my specific upbringing and I should be trying to concentrate on rewriting the patterns but it's become such a natural habit of my own that I can't even work out how to use neuro-plasticity to my advantage. How do you completely erase a lifetime's worth of brain mapping in order to make yourself feel better? How could I possibly work that?!

And I find it so tricky to just ignore other people when they come to me for advice with their problems, even if they make it incredibly evident that they don't want to help themselves, they just want to vent and hear me sooth their egos and whisper them sweet nothings of better times just around the corner. Fuck it, if you don't want it badly enough and you're not working toward a happier life for yourself, there isn't a dictionary full of enough words to ease your pain and make things better.

Step out there, smile, and attract better things to your own life. I can't make your life better, I can just cheer you vaguely for long enough for you to step back up on your own 2 feet and get out there and try again.

Moreover, I have problems of my own that I'm trying to deal with. As much as I love you, I have several serious issues going on right now. As much as I would love to pretend they don't bother me and as much as I would like to be 100% there for every person that comes to me with their issues, I am only human. My shoulders are only so broad.

I am totally distracted right now. Sick to my stomach with fear over a stupid drunk note left on my phone by perhaps a complete fucking stranger.

I have an entire human being to shape out of my messy self right now, and as much as I'd like to say "I got this", I don't got this. I'm still trying, though.
If that's the only thing that separates the successful from the weak, call me a fucking success.

A successful failure.

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