I hate to be such a downer all the time and I haven't posted in a very long time because I've really had very little I wanted to post about, but it's about time I told you about a few pretty major changes that are going on in my life at the moment.
First of all, I turned 20 last week and spent my birthday with a beautiful man that I do truly love.
Secondly, I'm quite sure one of my jobs are going to keep my shifts at a bare minimum in the hopes that I quit. It's barely enough to survive on and I am really pissed off and upset at them for doing that, as well as deciding it is a good idea to hire 2 new casuals when they hardly have the hours to spread evenly amongst us as it is.
After the feeling of being unappreciated in the workplace and now, after other very personal events have taken place, in other ways as well, I am feeling very unworthy, sad, and lost.
I do not actually know where my life is going, I have a stupid diploma in a field that has gotten me nowhere so far, 2 jobs that show no prospects of growth, and as far as I'm concerned, my life really holds no value.
As for the future, I have so many things I want to do and so little time to do it all in; I want to go to Sweden and get my citizenship, I want to study so many things, and in a matter of years, I also want to be settled enough to start a family and truly hold my own.
But it pains me to think all this because of what I might be leaving behind from here. I've only just settled into the house I'm living in and with a group of people that I actually feel safe with and love. I know I'm not actually at home here though and I know truthfully nothing can last forever.
I really do feel as though life has either hit a brick wall or is spiralling down for me, and I hate to think that, because I am so proud of where I've come to.
I'm having panic attacks and nearly crying in public. I am scared to think that I may need to go backwards, because I've worked so hard to get to where I am now, even if it's not healthy for me to be here.
Things I need to remind myself: if I loose my jobs and move onward to Sweden, I'd be able to dye my hair again. If I get my Swedish citizenship, it's a major accomplishment and something I can be proud of doing, as well as bringing pride to my father. From that, I do have the ability to go anywhere, and by this time I should be strong enough to do whatever I want.
And what is meant to be will be. If the life I'm living and the people I'm experiencing life with now are meant to be in my life, they will still be here when I get back, and hopefully they will encourage me to do what I need to do to get my life on track, even if I don't quite know what that might be right now.
I just hope you guys can wish me luck and good will as well as be there for me as I go through this, because I'm in a lot of pain.
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