Saturday, June 15, 2013

Mood Decline and Depression Relapse

So on Thursday I found out that my make up job would be cutting my shifts again down to an absolute bare minimum, after I had a talk with the manager where she reassured me this would not happen. After I had my initial chat with her I told myself this would be the last time I let it slide, and if anything were to get worse I wouldn't stick around.

So of course, finding out I was down to 6 hours a week I was shocked, scared and devastated. I have nowhere near enough income to afford my rent. I must move back to Sydney to be with family.
I know I should be excited and happy to do this but I am incredibly low because I don't like having to leave Len. I love Len, and I haven't told him yet because I am at least 90% sure he doesn't feel the same way. 

Yesterday I burst into tears when I took my clothes off and saw that I'd put on weight and I had a muffin top over the jeans I was going to wear to work.
That was the first time in so long that I had cried, and I cried for at least 10 minutes, before getting ready for work and walking to the bus stop. I had a few little near misses where I had emotional moments but I was able to refrain myself and not cry.

Today... I wasn't so lucky.

I cried before work again for about 10 minutes, then a few tears on the way to work and again when I got to work.
My eyes were red and bloodshot making it look like I was stoned, then I cried and my manager sent me home.
Getting sent home made me cry some more.

I went to go tell my workmates from my other job what was going on and I cried again.
Went to go get groceries and cried some more.

Car crash near my train station, more tears.

Get home, cry.
Have a nap, tears are everywhere.

I ended up telling one of Len's friends that I've gotten kinda close to and she told Len I wasn't feeling good so he sent me a text. He's letting me come over tonight, hopefully I don't cry in front of him but I need to tell him I might go to Sydney. 100% going to Sydney, just don't know for how long. I might just go for a holiday, a break, so I can sleep off all the pain and shit that's happened, but I might stay there too.

I don't want to leave Len but I really don't think he'd want to come with me. 3 months of seeing each other and I don't think he really wants to be with me. He is something very special to me. He was the first guy I had feelings for in a very very long time, at least where the feelings were genuine, natural and not forced. It was a very natural connection after the first night we spent together and I fell pretty instantly. Yeah, I know that's only my fault.

I just need to tell myself if we're meant to be together it will happen, if not, the tears for him will dry eventually.

I have absoloutely no idea how I'm going to tell him what's going on with me and I really have no idea what I'm going to do if he says he does care or if he's upset about me needing to leave, I really think it would break my heart more than anything I've known.
But the other side of things is he might just be like "that's alright, have fun!" and not care much at all. I'm really scared about how this might turn out and more than anything I just want his arms around me and I want him to be holding me when I tell him, because I think it will make it easier for me to tell him and I'll be able to feel his reaction to me saying it.

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