I am being overwhelmed with feelings of being under appreciated, unloved and lonely. I'm beginning to kind of want a boyfriend, and of course I still love Len so I refuse to get one if it may jeopardise my chances with him. But it is hurting me to keep wanting him because he seems to have made it quite clear he doesn't want much to do with me.
I just want someone to let me force them to love me. Or just anyone to love me. Or simply like me and want me around.
I've been trying to message one of my friends (at least I thought she was a friend) but she isn't replying so I've twisted that to be my fault and my explanation for it is that she doesn't like me and finds me annoying, even though I know for a fact she is busy moving and is doing a massive uni degree.
It's gotten bad enough that I can't even be energetic for my YouTube videos today, and I can't enjoy filming them or like it now that it's filmed. I honestly don't even want to upload it but I'm kinda gonna have to.
Doesn't help that I have no healthy food to eat, no motivation to work out and I can't be bothered doing anything. I really just feel absolutely depleted.
And the funny part? This is me WITH the meds.
I just don't understand what's wrong with me and the fact that I still feel like this when I really shouldn't is making me believe it's because my thoughts are accurate and I really am unloveable and a loser.
But, tomorrow is another day, we'll see how that goes.
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