Wednesday, April 23, 2014

All My Feelings

Funny to think I'm having troubles with mood again, isn't it?
So today I'm making a concise list of all my feelings for the internet

  • Ugly
  • Unworthy
  • Inadequate
  • Stupid
  • Tainted
  • A waste
  • Worthless
  • Hopeless
  • A failure
  • Angry
  • Upset
  • Fat
  • Frustrated

And I would like to say, no, I'm not looking for attention or any special messages from anyone. I'm doing this so I can remember where I've come from, what I've gone through and find ways to overcome the issues I've faced in my life.

Let me just tell everyone, I have a boyfriend that I love very much and I'm not trying to flirt with anybody. It saddens me that I have to actually tell people this but I'm sick of people thinking I'm being forthcoming or assuming that I accept behavior in return that is forward in a sexual manner.

After I've uploaded today's vlog I'm going to sleep. I don't want to be woken tomorrow, maybe not even the next day. Wake me when it's Tuesday and I can go somewhere I feel safe and happy. It hurts that I have to wait for a specific week every month where I can feel good, but if that's what it takes, I'll do whatever I can to have it.

I will also like to note I will try not to destroy my hair or face. My main point for considering it as an option was for others to see me the way I see myself, but I realise I'd still get the exact same looks as I do now, with a different intention behind it.

As sick as it sounds, I have to work very hard to be liked. I don't want to need to be liked. I want people to like me without me needing to put on a show or constantly show that I need to be told I'm worthy. I want to take the affection of my one and only and be happy with that, but when I do, I end up feeling inadequate because of my lack of friends and his abundance of them. So I search for friends and receive attention unwanted.

So for now, I'm signing off and sleeping. Nobody but Gerard may wake me. If my feelings change, fan-fucking-tastic. If the situation changes, also spectacular. Finding my worth will be difficult. Expressing it harder. How do I tell someone that I'm a good person when I don't even see it? 

Fuck it, I'm going. Goodnight.

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