Sunday, August 28, 2016

Uh Oh, Feelings

So blame it on the hectic weekend or the fact that I didn't take my antidepressants for a few days, but feelings are happening.

How do I explain it? What is there to explain? I'm an emotional person. I'm a loving person. I'm on the cusp of realising my worth for the first time in my life because of the amazing people around me right now and it's terrifying. I'm slowly beginning to feel appreciated. Worthy. Loved even.
But on the flip side of that is the fear of my neediness interfering with relationships. 
My friends constantly remind me how much of a doormat I am to people. "You're too nice", they say. "You don't know how to say no", and they're right. I don't know how to say no to someone, because I don't see myself as the kind of person that deserves the attention, let alone has the privilege of telling someone their attention may be unwarranted.

And then there's someone I do have feelings for. Once in a blue moon my overly romantic heart bleeds for the desire to be loved by a specific person.
And, if history is anything to judge off, generally it never happens.
So I give a little more of myself, I do a little more for them, I take more bullshit than I should from them, and then I wait. 
Maybe they're really busy.
Maybe they're thinking about me, too.
Maybe they'll message me later.
Maybe they mean it when they say they like me.

And we're back to the shaky self esteem when I realise, no. They aren't busy, they aren't thinking about me, they won't message and they don't mean it.

"But maybe they will?" My naive inner voice contests.
"Maybe if I be nicer? Maybe if I message them? Maybe.."

So this is where I'm at.
There's someone.
And I'm going in circles hearing the truth from those who truly care about me and know it's not going to happen and not worth my time, and me.
Self sabotaging, self loathing, me.

Somewhere, not so deeply hidden, is the shadow of my childhood. And it's nights like these where I feel it touching every possible venture of my future with its toxic darkness. 
One day I will have to face that girl and conquer our demons together.

In the meantime, maybe the "someone" will reciprocate the feelings, or maybe I'll come to terms with never getting to be with them.


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