I really just wanted to tweet about the fact that I had this profound feeling of WOW, I hate myself, followed by sincere and utter shock and depth of reality, only to stop myself because I didn't want to let down the people who love, support and follow me.
It's a bizarre moment when you're scared of how people will respond to you reaching out, so you end up feeling alone. It's almost like learned helplessness, in that I've had barriers between myself and others, and now that I know there are people on the other end I stop myself from sharing.
Maybe that's a terrible analogy, maybe I'm just having a bad day and feel guilty for feeling emotions because I live such an incredible life full of exciting opportunities and complete strangers who support me wholeheartedly enough to support my dreams with their own money.
Now I'm jumping back to the idea that it's learned helplessness, but more so in that my upbringing didn't teach me any healthy mechanisms for attaining success, being successful and enjoying it. I don't know how to let myself do well because I don't know what "doing well" looks like.
It's so incredibly embarrassing to think that I had such an amazing stream yesterday and was absolutely euphoric and over the moon, only to screw up a good habit streak this month with self sabotaging behaviour that I do to maintain a sense of security/happiness/control which in and of itself makes me entirely miserable.
Imagine if you will, you're doing great, and then you do something you literally need to do to survive, but feel so incredibly guilty and angry at yourself that you go and do something terrible to your health that makes you miserable and feel disgusting.
It's that sinking feeling of "oh that's right, I'm a shitty person who does shitty things to herself and can't look have nice things".
I need to rewrite my relationship with success.
I need to be okay with doing well.
Fuck it, maybe I just need help, but honestly nothing went wrong today. There is no reason for me to feel so much like a fuck up.
But why did I eat all those fucking nuts?
Why can't I just have a single ounce of self control?
Maybe I'm more stressed about moving and rental applications.
Sorry, this was really just a rant and I'm glad nobody reads this blog because realistically it should have been a diary entry and I have no way to end it.
Once again to get my mandatory 4hrs sleep (gee, I wonder why you feel like shit, Kate) after taking some weight loss chemical concoction and maybe some laxatives and go to the gym in the morning.
The gym makes everything better.
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