I'm beginning to really think I will die alone/be single forever.
I've been single for around 2 years now and in that time I've gone back to my ex a few times and really haven't gotten over him. Any attempt at dating has been unsuccessful because I still want him.
While I've been going through some rough ass shit recently, I've really been wanting someone to hold me, someone to talk to about it, someone to comfort me. A partner.
With that, I was going to ask one of the people I met from a dating site to come over, and instead of just leaving the idea at that, I immediately followed that thought with "oh and I can give him wine so he can't drive home and has to stay over". Needless to say I never messaged him because I realised how bad of an idea it would have been, even without me manipulating the situation to force him to stay.
The reason I mention this is because it made me realise, with immense sadness, how clingy, needy and manipulative I can be. How low must my self esteem be if I think the only reason someone would want to come over was if I offered them something? How little do I think of myself that i need to force someone to want to (or need to) say?
Why can't I just acknowledge my own merits, see that I am worth being with/seeing/staying over for, without promising breakfast in the morning and massages and head tickles to help them sleep.
I do want to argue this, because even now I'm rebutting with "because nobody has", and I'm not wrong.
The last person to want to spend time with me of their own volition was my ex.
He wanted to hang out, he wanted to see me, he messaged first. - Admittedly it was for his own ego from what I can gather, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.
And now, alas, we're back at square one- I haven't dated anyone since him, I haven't had anyone want me since him, and I don't think I will.
No comments:
Post a Comment