Online Dating

I've uninstalled Tinder. 

I was not expecting to have it for as long as I did, but I managed to use it for a little over 2 months. I even managed to match with a few people, going on roughly 8 first dates (I'm using the term "date" here very loosely), spending hours messaging, and enduring days of self doubt. Whether you're envious or surprised by my success, or lack thereof, in terms of romantic outcomes, I'm trying to maintain appreciation for the lessons.

So, what have I learnt?

There is an evident danger in accessing people's validation of your appearance when you suffer with body dysmorphia and low self esteem. Could I have predicted that? Absolutely, and I did. However there is a wilful ignorance when the allure of finding your forever person is promised. Perhaps that's not what most people hope for when the game is literally to swipe one way or another on a mobile phone app where you're given selfies and basic descriptions of a person, but as a hopeless romantic I couldn't help but get idealistic. 

To that end, I also confirmed my prediction that there is no way of knowing whether you'll have chemistry with a person until you meet them. What they say about themselves, how they pose in photos, what their MBTI is or what they share in music taste- none of that will make up for a lack of connection and safety in their physical presence. I can't really portray my personality in text. I can't photograph my sense of humour. My perspective can't be translated to binary. People create images and ideas of their Tinder matches based on, most likely, equal parts projection and hope, mixed with personal interpretations of what the bio means. Realistically, I could write anything I want on my Tinder bio, use it almost as a targeted marketing campaign for a specific demographic of responses, and the reality of who I am when I show up to meet a person doesn't have to match that. Perfection on paper is simply that. 

None of this is to dismiss the invaluable amounts of self discovery I also experienced throughout this journey. Physical attraction to me is relatively arbitrary.  There are many reasons I can find myself connecting with a person, and my preference in terms of appearance is wide and varied, if I have a preference at all. I don't have a prescriptive "must have X, can't have Y, want them to be Z tall". Typically I'll notice smile, physique, and affect in the photos. I'm screening for personality in the images, even though that's not really a sensible pursuit. I want someone I can be active and adventure with. Someone I can play with. I want a partner who is down to earth and humble. Someone who can laugh and make the most of the moment. None of these are visible, so why would it matter if they have blue eyes or brown? 

Additionally, I learnt the skill of ending things with people when it wasn't working or there was no connection. Arguably, I'm terrible at this as I'm agreeable to a fault, but I did manage to practice on 3 occasions. I don't agree with ghosting people or letting communication fade. I am not a mind reader and I'll think I've done something wrong, read between the lines, try all the tactics to get you to respond or just blame myself for things I already hate about myself when a person goes quiet; so in order to avoid inflicting that emotional pain on someone else I use my big girl words. You know, the thing we learnt to do as toddlers? Ask nicely for what you want? 

Throughout the process of asking for what I want and terminating things that weren't it, I learnt just how hard it is to do this without any self worth or personal sense of value. I will, unfortunately, accept less than people think I deserve. I don't just accept, but ask for the least. If you message me randomly, if you don't immediately just try to sleep with me, if you want to know more about me- simple things like this will leave me confused because it's so overtly kind and romantic in my mind, which is in stark contrast to the treatment I think I'm worth. However, I am acutely aware these are simply the bare minimum. I will absolutely accept less than these basic gestures despite me not wanting it.

Following on from this, dating is incredibly hard when your entire sense of self worth is tied, albeit for disordered reasons, to your body. When I've been experiencing less than ideal body satisfaction, I've almost needed to body check by proxy using the men on Tinder or in my personal messages. If I'm only as good as my body, and I don't like my body very much at the moment, why would anybody actually want to date me? Unsurprisingly, when you're wanting an actual relationship, it's not exactly a great strategy to go soliciting feedback on your body by way of images. 

Overall, dating, at least in this fashion, has been an eye opening experience. I don't think I've made any connections with people that want to continue seeing me, nor do I think I've learnt how to do that, but I tried. It's easy to become disheartened at this stage, coming off the high of digital attention from strangers who claim to be interested in you, though it is likely that my current listlessness is more realistic. If I have a someone, if my future includes a partner, if it's meant to be, nothing I do now will stop it. I will note the very intentional use of "if" in that sentence, because my doubt is palpable.